Friday, May 18, 2012

Food food food

For once, I'm actually going to update this two days in a row! Whee~

Okay so today I went to Ikea with Aimi and Adma. Drove there ourselves! (And yes, that is actually an accomplishment.) Shaza was supposed to come with, but her mum said no at the last minute because she fell sick.

So our plan changed from going-to-Ikea-to-eat to going-to-Ikea-to-eat-then-buy-food-and-bring-it-to-Shaza. We even brought tupperwares. And we named it 'Gerakan Bebola Daging Ikea' (Operation Ikea Meatballs). Lame, I know. I had no part in coming up with that name, I swear.

And so we went to Ikea, and it wasn't as crowded as I expected it to be. We ate a lot. Like, a lot. Here's a list of food items we bought:

  • 2 Meatballs (10) with fries
  • 1 salmon with potato
  • 5 chicken wings
  • 2 Sunkist apple juice
  • 1 soft drink
  • 1 vegetarian pasta
We ate all that ourselves. And bought more for Shaza. And I bought some meatballs for home. And Aimi bought the meatballs for home as well. I'm using a lot of 'ands'. She also bought the currypuff that they sold just outside the cashier counters.

That was around 6pm. We were supposed to drive straight to Shaza's house after that. But Aimi suddenly had a craving for Chatime because we couldn't get our Daim cake.

So we made a detour to Wangsa Walk. Because we were that lazy to walk to the Chatime in the Curve which was right across the street from Ikea. Yeah.

Since it's a Friday night, understandably, there was a pretty bad jam heading towards Wangsa Maju. Why, for the life of me, I do not know. It was so annoying. But we passed the time with singing to the songs that blasted from the radio courtesy of me plugging in my iPod. It was amusing.

In the end we reached Shaza's house at 8 something. Yes, we were stuck in a jam for almost two hours. Oh, the joy.

Really though. The day was joyful. Thank you girls, you always make my day. :)

It's hard to explain

This took me like, forever, but I finally reached my hundredth post! For some reason I'm not as ecstatic as I thought I would be. Weird.

So the last time I updated it was around mid-last year, and it was about school life. Well, I'm not in school anymore, so there's no point in me talking about that, huh? But just so you know, Alhamdulliah, I got straight A's for my SPM. :) Right now I'm waiting for the results for my MARA interview, and if I don't get it then I'm going for Matriks. Leaving on the 28th of this month. Yeah.


What else can I update about? Nothing's really changed, but at the same time I feel like a lot has changed for me. I've accepted the fact that I'm not in school (and admittedly I kinda miss it), and I've accepted the fact that my friends are going their separate ways. It's inevitable. But I've been getting used to separation since Form 1 when I went to CBN by myself, so it's not much of a stretch for me.

So what, you may be asking yourself, is the change that I have felt lately?

I don't quite know myself. I can't really pinpoint what it is, let alone explain it. Somehow, I just feel... different, and to be honest, I don't like it. I feel so sad all the time, and when I feel happy, it's like it's out of place. I don't want to socialize, not really. I like being alone. I prefer it, but people don't understand that need. Sometimes, (well, most of the time now) I just want to be alone. Not lonely, mind you, just... alone. There's a difference. I don't know how to explain this feeling.

People have told me several times that I'm not 'cheerful' enough. The problem is, whenever they mention it, it's when I'm not actually that sad. But when it's put out there, I just instantly go into a darker mood. I feel judged. So my neutral face looks sad. What am I supposed to do about that? Smiling all the time for me would look painfully fake. And when I am genuinely happy and hyper, the people around me think it's weird and ask if I'm okay.

Well. Do you really wonder why my moods are so out of sorts? People's expectations of how I'm supposed to act confuse me. First you say I'm gloomy, but when I'm happy you question my motives.

Really. Just think about that for a moment.

Then there's that feeling of inadequacy. What you must understand is that while I'm not the most competitive person, I actually really care about where I'm going when it comes to education. I see people going off to private colleges and think, "It would be nice to have that kind of security." On the other hand,  seeing people get excited for going to public colleges make me think, "Well, it would be nice to be able to say that I'm going somewhere reputable."

Right now, I'm basically directionless. I'm waiting, that's what it is. Unsure. Insecure. Feeling left behind while everyone else moves on.

The only thing I don't have to complain about is my love life. I'm not attached, and I don't feel the need to be. I'm happy the way it is now. Not crushing, not hung over someone I'm never going to get, not trying to push away unwanted attention. It just... is. The life of a person who is perfectly content with not being in a relationship and not looking for one either. I don't see the point of it. Maybe one day, but right now it's not a priority. I'll put that in focus when I reach my twenties or something.

And so you are up to speed with the emotional state I am currently in. I don't even know how to sum it up. I'm not depressed, exactly. I mean, I think. I hope. At one point I suspected I was suffering from a personality disorder, something like a milder version of bipolar disorder, but I ruled that out after reading the full list of symptoms and thinking about it honestly. If one day it does go too far, I will see someone about it. Just not now. Not yet.

Oh, and this new format for the dashboard confuses me a bit. I was kinda disoriented. So if the anonymous person who asked a question back in an older post is reading this, sorry, but I won't say who the guy was. It's irrelevant now. Everything is in the past and I have moved on.

Till next time, dear-whoever-that-reads-this. :)

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sometimes I don't say things because I don't want certain people to feel victimised by my words.

But what if keeping it in makes me feel victimised myself?

I mean, I'm still human. I have feelings. I have insecurities.

Is it really that bad of me to want to say something, even if I risk hurting someone else's feelings in the process?

I don't know.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Dramatic moments

Hello wonderful world out there!

I am just sooo happy now. Literally, now. Unfortuately this week has been very stressful, disappointing, sad as all that is wrong in the world crashed down upon the students of CBN. HOw so? Well, let me give you a list of the series of events that happened this week.

1. Drama competition

Well, the word 'drama' is in there for a reason. Most of the classes were EXTREMELY fed up with a certain (which will not be named) class that hogged the stage for practice. Out of four classes, only two had the chance to practice their drama on stage. And trust me, usage of the stage AT LEAST ONCE is very important, for lighting and coordinating purposes. So when everyone got wind that one class booked the stage for practically the whole day on Thursday (as the competition is on Friday) who wouldn't be angry? Especially since they seemed reluctant to share the time. You see, in any other week it would've been fine. Unfortunately, this week was also LANGUAGE WEEK, which meant the stage was being used for other categories as well. So the classes participating in drama had no chance to use the stage that week.

2. Accidents

Somehow this week has just been full of misfortunes and accidents. Rishantinee (from 5B) had a door slammed into her right hand! A stage door, at that. THEY'RE HUGE AND HEAVY! Thank God it was her right hand that got hit, and not her left. (she's left-handed, don't worry.) To make the day even worse, Pn Gan (add maths teacher of 5K and 5N) fell down the stairs and tore a ligament or something. And ambulance had to come and take her to the hospital. Not Rishan though, her dad came to pick her up.

3. Hospitalized person

This is a friend of mine. A fellow prefect too. I'm not too sure why exactly she's in the hospital, but all I know is she's in the ICU and had to undergo surgery. If that doesn't say something bad, then I don't know what does. We sent her a card full of wishes and love! :) Hopefully she does get well soon. She may not be able to come to school anymore but hey, as long as she's okay.

Well that's all I can think of now. This week had felt sooo long and never anding. Yesterday I slept at 2 and woke up woke up at 1. Yes, 1 in the afternoon. I guess that was to make up for the lack of sleep. Oh well.


5B won best costumes, best script, the best character portrayal by Dharshini (of 5B :P) and OVERALL BEST DRAMA! :D :D :D :D The only one we didn't get was best props. But we didn't care. We're plenty happy and grateful for what we got now. :D

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Here it comes again

Hellooooo. :)
I know, I know. I haven't been here in ages! Last post I saw was.. well. I'm not gonna say I'm too happy about that one. Brings back all those bitter memories and feelings of broken heartedness.
Anyway, all I can say is, he's out of my life and out of my head.. well, okay maybe not completely out of my life, but he really is out of my head now. Yay me! :D

So, where should I start?

It's form 5 year! SPM is in November and I am nowhere near prepared. Yes, I'll proudly (and yet slightly abashedly) say it. I know abashedly is not a word, but who cares, I want to use it so there.
I'm in drama! Can you believe that, me, act? Ha. But it's true! We even made it to the finals, which is in a couple of weeks from now. I'm trying to work on it, my voice projection isn't too hot. Fingers crossed and wish me luck! I must say though, 5T is a real contender. I mean, their drama can move mountains. Like, really.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say.

Oh right. Other than the fact that I think that need to create some drama in my life to make it seem more interesting is coming back. But not up to the point at which I'd actually do something. My love life is pretty dull, though, I must admit. But oh well, what can I do? I can't make guys fall at my feet even if I tried.

Yeah well. I need to get some beauty sleep now. Picture day tomorrow, need to look my best! :D

Monday, November 29, 2010

This is driving me nuts.

You know, I was planning to post this as my Facebook status, but that would've been attracting too much attention to myself. So yeah, I'm gonna write it out here. It would've been more expressive had I done this an hour ago when I woke up (yes, I woke up around 1 today, so be it) but I found it more important to go eat first and YouTube Elliot Minor (as introduced to me by Harshiah, they're just AWESOME! =D). So here it goes.

I had yet another dream last night. Even in the DREAM, I tried talking to you. Even in the DREAM, you still ignore my attempt at making conversation. Even in the DREAM, I ended up talking to someone else, laughing with someone else when all I ever wanted was to talk to you, to laugh with you. Even in the DREAM, all you did was sit at the sidelines, looking indifferent, but you were still there. You're always just there. Even in the DREAM, it still hurt. How is this fair? How can I just keep feeling like this? I want to tell you, I actually do. But isn't it kinda hard when you don't even talk to me, except for the occasional comment here and there?

Almost every night, you seem to a part of my dreams. At one point it really was every night. When it stopped I thought I was finally over you. I guess not, huh, when it keeps coming back to me? And apparently Facebook makes an effort to show me a lot of posts from you on my news feed. It's like the whole world wants me to suffer. The wrong person is paying attention to me. The wrong person is giving me compliments. The wrong person is making an attempt at being close friends with me.

Frankly, I don't care who reads this. You want to figure it out? You think you know who I'm talking about? (Aside from the people who actually know who I'm talking about, and that's only about 5 other people.) Fine, whatever. But what I do know is that I want to find away to end this, because it's eating me from the inside.

You see, this is why I didn't want to post this on Facebook. Hardly anything is private on Facebook. I didn't want to start a speculation. I didn't want that person to find out through that way, not that's it's really that hard to figure out who it is, if you pay attention to me.
Does he read my blog? I doubt it. Sometimes I think it's a good thing, but sometimes I wish he did. I don't know what to think anymore on this topic.

Ohh and I realised just recently that I have a soft spot for guitarists. XD
Some things you find out about yourself when you try to sleep at night..

Monday, September 13, 2010

What can I say?

I must admit, I haven't posted anything on this blog site for ages, and I truly am sorry about that. I've been really busy okay? I just can't find time to blog anymore. This one is fine because it's the holidays and stuff. Not that anyone actually reads this anyway but that's beside the point.

So, where do I start? After a few months of not posting anything and updating whatsoever I have to say, a lot, and I mean A LOT of stuff has happened since. Let's break it up into categories, yeah?

Of course this is the first category I mention mostly because that my school life is the one that's changed the most.
First off I'd like to say that I'm actually really happy to be in 4b (i have a problem with the letter b on this keyboard so bear with me for a while. It's all copy and paste here)
There are a lot of benefits to being placed in that class. but I'd rather not talk about it. =)
That's for us to know and you guys to figure out if you want. If not just leave it at that okay?

Number two : I am now a school prefect! =)
Who would've thunk eh? It's kind of overwhelming at times, and I have a feeling my grades might drop if slack off so yeah. I need to keep up my straight A average. ;)
That's another one! People will not stop calling me a nerd slash brainiac just because I managed to get straight A's for my mid-terms. Who's to say I'll pull it off again for my finals? (Which is in three weeks if I may add) Insya-Allah I will lah, but you still can never know you know?

Number three : I have found it odd that I'm beginning to not like english all that much anymore. *All hell breaks lose*
Hahaha, don't worry, I never thought I'd ever say that myself. So if you feel dumbstruck, you're not the only one.
but it's not the language that I'm beginning to dislike, in fact I've recently rediscovered my love for writing stories again (one that I lost during PMR year). Actually it's just the subject of english in school. I think it's because of the work, and I feel that I don't like the idea of just taking english for exams anymore. it's like, such a pain. And I don't like writing essays anymore. Somehow it restricts my need for creativity, and I always feel like I need to insert a certain standard to what I'm writing. So now I keep over-thinking and over-analyzing my sentences and I keep wondering if I should use better words to describe what I'm thinking or what I'm trying to write about. haihh now english for me has become too exam oriented. How sad. =(

I know this is like, three months overdue, but I would like to mention what I received for my birthday this year.
My parents actually did give me the guitar I asked for. I didn't think they would but they did and I'm still so happy that I actually got it so now I play almost everyday whenever I can. Okay that's a long sentence. Anyway I've learned quite a lot of songs already, all made possible because I already know how to play before during form one, I just stopped because I was tired of using my brother-in-law's guitar all the time. but now I have my own so yeah. No restrictions any more yayyy! =D
but no one's ever actually heard me play before, because I don't like it when people watch me play. It feels really awkward. I just play because I love to by myself and not for anyone else. So now you know I can never be a rockstar or recording artist or whatever. Not that I can sing anyway but you get my drift.
Not only did I get a guitar, but I also got an iPod shuffle from Kakteh and Abg Mut too! =D
I was so happy when I got it especially when I didn't see it coming at all. I mean, Zara gave it to me when I was reading or something. So you could just imagine my confusion and surprise when she gave a small white box with a red band strapped across it with the Apple logo printed in silver on top. I've been listening to it since. =)

Lately I've notice that I'm becoming a shopaholic. Not for the normal girl stuff like shoes or bags or whatever. Instead, I have a compulsion to buy a book every time I go out. All this is made more tempting when I start reading a series like the Night World series (L.J. Smith) or the Abhorsen trilogy (Garth Nix).
Now, I'm currently obsessed with finding the ending of the Night World series that is Strange Fate, the tenth book. I know what you're thinking; TEN books? It's not so bad, believe me, because they're all short books, just a lot of them to read. No problem for me though. =)
And I'm also looking for Across The Wall, because in it there's a novella called Nicholas Sayre and The Creature In The Case which is a continuation of the Abhorsen trilogy. I also heard that thee's a new one coming out but I'm not sure when or what it's called. So yeah. I'm going all crazy over these books like you have no idea.
It's gotten so bad that I'm actually reading fanfiction stories on these! Actually they're not half bad, you just to look for the right ones with proper grammar and spelling and a good plot and stuff. (Even though I said I'm losing an interest in English, I can't help but to notice these little details)
Now I find that fanfiction is one of the best parts of a book series! =)

That's all I can think of to update about at the moment. Quite a lot, isn't it? Hmm, oh well, it's not very often that I get to update here anyway, even if it is just on three categories of my life.
Don't expect another post from me soon, but keep your fingers crossed! =)