Friday, May 18, 2012

It's hard to explain

This took me like, forever, but I finally reached my hundredth post! For some reason I'm not as ecstatic as I thought I would be. Weird.

So the last time I updated it was around mid-last year, and it was about school life. Well, I'm not in school anymore, so there's no point in me talking about that, huh? But just so you know, Alhamdulliah, I got straight A's for my SPM. :) Right now I'm waiting for the results for my MARA interview, and if I don't get it then I'm going for Matriks. Leaving on the 28th of this month. Yeah.

Soon.

What else can I update about? Nothing's really changed, but at the same time I feel like a lot has changed for me. I've accepted the fact that I'm not in school (and admittedly I kinda miss it), and I've accepted the fact that my friends are going their separate ways. It's inevitable. But I've been getting used to separation since Form 1 when I went to CBN by myself, so it's not much of a stretch for me.

So what, you may be asking yourself, is the change that I have felt lately?

I don't quite know myself. I can't really pinpoint what it is, let alone explain it. Somehow, I just feel... different, and to be honest, I don't like it. I feel so sad all the time, and when I feel happy, it's like it's out of place. I don't want to socialize, not really. I like being alone. I prefer it, but people don't understand that need. Sometimes, (well, most of the time now) I just want to be alone. Not lonely, mind you, just... alone. There's a difference. I don't know how to explain this feeling.

People have told me several times that I'm not 'cheerful' enough. The problem is, whenever they mention it, it's when I'm not actually that sad. But when it's put out there, I just instantly go into a darker mood. I feel judged. So my neutral face looks sad. What am I supposed to do about that? Smiling all the time for me would look painfully fake. And when I am genuinely happy and hyper, the people around me think it's weird and ask if I'm okay.

Well. Do you really wonder why my moods are so out of sorts? People's expectations of how I'm supposed to act confuse me. First you say I'm gloomy, but when I'm happy you question my motives.

Really. Just think about that for a moment.

Then there's that feeling of inadequacy. What you must understand is that while I'm not the most competitive person, I actually really care about where I'm going when it comes to education. I see people going off to private colleges and think, "It would be nice to have that kind of security." On the other hand,  seeing people get excited for going to public colleges make me think, "Well, it would be nice to be able to say that I'm going somewhere reputable."

Right now, I'm basically directionless. I'm waiting, that's what it is. Unsure. Insecure. Feeling left behind while everyone else moves on.

The only thing I don't have to complain about is my love life. I'm not attached, and I don't feel the need to be. I'm happy the way it is now. Not crushing, not hung over someone I'm never going to get, not trying to push away unwanted attention. It just... is. The life of a person who is perfectly content with not being in a relationship and not looking for one either. I don't see the point of it. Maybe one day, but right now it's not a priority. I'll put that in focus when I reach my twenties or something.

And so you are up to speed with the emotional state I am currently in. I don't even know how to sum it up. I'm not depressed, exactly. I mean, I think. I hope. At one point I suspected I was suffering from a personality disorder, something like a milder version of bipolar disorder, but I ruled that out after reading the full list of symptoms and thinking about it honestly. If one day it does go too far, I will see someone about it. Just not now. Not yet.

Oh, and this new format for the dashboard confuses me a bit. I was kinda disoriented. So if the anonymous person who asked a question back in an older post is reading this, sorry, but I won't say who the guy was. It's irrelevant now. Everything is in the past and I have moved on.

Till next time, dear-whoever-that-reads-this. :)

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